I think I just realized something important.

Sometimes, it's not about what happens. It's about hope.

I may be in the throes of a significant life/identity crisis. I think it will take some time to evaluate.

That's all.

Living in New York has been quite an experience. I don’t think it has really hit me that I live and work in Manhattan. My mind gets a little blown if I think too hard about it. I still get a thrill when I see something addressed to my 10001 zip code apartment.

On some level, my life here has been much more glamorous and “Sex and the City” than I expected or thought it could be. Taking limo rides. Living in the biggest apartment I have seen in Manhattan, with a wonderful view of the city from the roof. My homing beacon has gone from the Citgo sign to the Empire State building. Having a first kiss happen after hours on the set of SNL where the hosts perform their opening monologues. Meeting a guy at a bar and bonding over music, and staying out all night sitting on a bench, writing notes on a napkin in a coffee shop and laughing so hard we could cry. Free access to all sorts of hair products and make-up (not glamorous but kind of wonderful). Working for some of beauty’s top brands, delivering an important package to Gisele’s agent, sending crystal star kits to celebrities...

But then I work long hours. I spend hours unboxing and sorting make-up or goo-goneing labels from lipstick tubes. The boy with the napkin never calls. My roommate gets bed bugs, launching a month-long apartment crisis and a $347 dry cleaning bill. I don’t have many friends here. The closest grocery store is a ten minute walk away. I'm tired all the time.

I do not mean to sound as if I am ungrateful, or whining. These things are just facts, some of which make life much more challenging. But without challenge I would imagine that life would get very old, very fast. However, I do feel that the 9-5 (or in my case 8:30-6:15-7ish) sitting-in-a-cubicle routine is starting to wear on me. It’s a variation of the same thing, get up, go to work, come home, unwind, go to sleep. Rinse, repeat. It’s exhausting and there are some days that I feel like I am just living for the weekends.

Despite all this, I do love my job. I work with wonderful people on interesting accounts. Every day is different, so I never know quite what to expect. But there is always pressure to perform, to “shine.” Because so much is always happening, I feel like I am constantly playing catch-up. That’s just the nature of working in this field, but when things don’t get done for whatever reason, I start feeling anxious, which of course puts a halt to everything. It’s difficult to work through a fog of anxiety. I suppose I am still learning to not take things that happen at work, especially ones that are out of my control, so personally. I just feel like I have been having a rough few days where I just can’t seem to get anything right.

Also, there is the lack of friends. I have a small handful of friends that are in New York. My good friend Danielle from BU is here so I spend a lot of time with and her roommates and their friends. But I do feel like I need to expand my social circle and it’s been hard. In college there are so many more ways to make friends, you have classes and activities and other friends etc. My roommates are wonderful, but they have their own group/s of friends, so I only go out with them occasionally. I’ve been thinking about trying to take dance classes, or get involved in some kind of singing group, so that I have some kind of fulfilling activity outside of work. I need an outlet. I need more of a life outside of work.

On a brighter note, I have stayed very well connected to friends from home. For example, Adam and I talk several times a week (on the phone!); Gill and I email back and forth almost daily and Kate and I have weekly phone dates. Friends are sanity. Friends are home.

So, I guess that is where I am at right now. Essentially, everything is going well, and is probably going as well as it could. Just having graduated and being at my first job in a new city, I can’t really ask for more. I guess I am still finding my place in this new life, and I should expect that it will take some time to really figure it out.

I have a vacation of sorts coming up this weekend which I think is very much needed. Going to MA to see Adam in Sweet Charity (so unbelievably excited for this) and hopefully see some other people including Jamie and Allie and maybe some people from Sydney and BU. I will certainly relish two days off from work. Then maybe cry when I see my inbox on Tuesday.

I realize that every time I write something, or feel the need to, it is out of extreme angst. I should try to change that some time.

Anyway. I am okay, good even- if I am surrounded by people. In classes, with friends, at singing, even at work. But if I am left alone for too long I start looking at pictures and listening to songs and remembering things... and then not so good. I think it would be easier if this was a traditional break-up. An "it's not you it's me." A "there's someone else." An "I don't want a relationship." Sooomething else. Something cliche and ridiculous and infuriating.

Buuut no. It's a "we can't be together because I am not from this country and my Visa changed and I can't get a green card and am afraid to work here illegally here so therefore I must leave." And yes folks, I realized the whole time that this was eventually going to become a problem for us. It was no secret that, hi, he's from Israel. And that no matter what happened there would always be hurdles- big ones. That did not stop him from chasing me the way he did and pushing me to open up to him. And that did not stop my heart from, well, you know. I could go on about how I've never felt this way about someone etc, but I assume that's evident. It's just, funny and my luck, that when it finally works out with someone and it's great... it's not allowed to be.

So here I am.

It also doesn't help that everyone that hears even the cliff notes version of the story is all, "oh MY god that is SO sad." Because, yes, I know it is tragic. Would you like the movie rights or something?

The shuffle function on my iPod even knows something is up because in exact order [without skips or anything] this is what it played yesterday on my walk to class:
1. Vast - Don't Take Your Love Away
2. The Weepies - World Spins Madly On
3. The Perishers - Trouble Sleeping
4. Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah
5. John Mayer - Split Screen Sadness

Yup. The Universe is laughing at me. At least that's how it feels. I switched to a happier playlist after that. This brings to mind an SatC quote. "The Universe may not always play fair, but at least it has a hell of a sense of humor." Seriously. I am at the point where I can discuss the whole matter with a certain wryness, but I feel like everything inside is liquifying.

I know that I am going to make it through and find someone else [maybe. someday. had to put that in because that is what everyone has said, multiple times and to try to believe it maybe it is important to type it myself] and all of that bullshit. But there are moments, they can last from minutes to hours, where I just want to stop trying to "be strong" and just feel it. The constant knot in my stomach and the pain in my chest. The need to cry or the inability to cry anymore. The tenseness of my muscles and the weakness of my bones. I don't care if any of this sounds pathetic or something, because one thing I have finally learned is that I should never be ashamed of what I feel because I cannot prevent it. I really, really miss him and I can't help that.

So that's it I guess. My heart is broken. It's no one's fault. Fate theory would say this is how it was supposed to go. I suppose the only real remedy is time. And maybe some tequila.

I am a sensible girl. I am always the one with a "good head on her shoulders." I am rational. I do the right thing. I am smart. I am always on time. I respect authority. I am honest.

I. Don't. Screw. Up.*

I find myself in a very peculiar predicament. No matter what I do, I think it is safe to assume that hearts will get broken- it is only a matter of time. I think I know what I need to do. Although I am not quite sure how, because I think it will hurt him. But, there are some risks I simply cannot afford to take because they will impact more than just myself.

Ultimately, I do know what is right. Not only morally, but for my life, my family, my future. Alas, it does not make this easier. This isn't a movie and I don't think we can have a happy ending. Maybe an illusion of one for a few years, but that will come to its end in time. Everything is too complicated. I just hope to be understood.

Moral of the story: Don't fall for someone that is not from this country. I do not recommend it.

It's just life, right?




*Until this semester, during which I have screwed up often and in several arenas.

This is incredibly juvenile of me, and [more importantly] insanely unfair to the wonderful, lovely & amazing people here in the US [whom I love and have missed dearly, please don't misunderstand]. But nonetheless, I'm having a very difficult time adjusting here. I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore. In Sydney I had found a place and a purpose and in some ways, a home, and it has been a very jarring experience to be ripped from all of that so suddenly. Also, I am not just missing Australia, but missing the way being here used to be/make me feel. I realize I was gone nearly six months and I should expect as much change here as there has been within myself, but I still feel so foreign. I knew I would feel this way, but I did not think it would come on so soon. I thought I had at least a week of overwhelmed excitement, or something. However, even being busy, even being surrounded by people I love, I still feel it- I just don't feel right, or comfortable. I know this will all pass and be forgotten and I'll once again find my place here, but that provides little comfort in the meantime.

New Year's Resolution:

Stop worrying about everyone else's happiness and focus on my own.

I do read other people's entries, but I often forget that I have one of these as well.

Anyway, I have good news. I have been accepted to the Sydney Internship Program for next spring [after all of this drama, turning my application in late etc. and being told I probably wouldn't be accepted], and because I am apparently addicted to study abroad, I am going. :)

I'm quite excited. My original plan had always been to study in Australia my junior year before London presented itself. Most people seem to think I'm nuts for wanting to go somewhere else, but I don't know when I'd ever get the opportunity to go later in life. Plus, it's a long fucking flight to Australia, and I figure if I'm going to go at all, I may as well stay for a while. I was incredibly tempted to go back to London because I miss it so, but I think it's important to do something different, if only for the experience and knowing that I took the risk.

I leave around January 10th, which seems ridiculously soon to me. You all best make time for me over winter break before I leave!

I love that it's finally fall- the crispness of the air, the smell of burning leaves, wearing coats and scarves. All very lovely indeed.

I should study for my Communication Theory midterm now.

So. I am 21. Which freaked me out a little. So I just cleaned. Did a whooole lot of cleaning. Because I just kept thinking, "I'm 21, I'm really an adult, I'm never going to live here again, and this room is a mess of all of these things from my past and I don't need them." So I cleaned. I did more organizing than throwing away, but I felt better after that. Dusty, but better.

Earlier, Jess and I were wondering when we got so old. Really, when did it happen? When was that moment where we all grew up? It's intangible, because it happened over a long period of time of course, but I feel there is a moment somewhere there. A moment where you really do cross the line from being a child to being a true individual-- a grown up. Almost anyway. You know how it goes.

Speaking of Jess she just said something quite helpful. "Just remember.... you may be an adult according to the world, but you've been one for a really long time."

In fairness to myself, I have been meaning to clean for weeks, but I have simply not had time. Really. Though I shall not bore you with the dilemmas that taking two summer classes and working nearly full time present. I will say that it is over in two weeks for which I am incredibly grateful.

I really shouuuld sleep, so that I can actually enjoy my birthday tomorrow/today.

By the way, the first legal [in the US] bit of alcohol for me was a shot of DiSarrono courtesy of a one Maureen Sullivan's liquor shelf. :)

1.) I passed in my last assignment of the semester on Monday after much procrastination.
2.) Beautiful weather earlier this week.
3.) I got an A on my Vietnam paper that I had passed in like months ago.
4.) There was ONE open seat for this class I wanted to take [Organizational Structure and Behavior] next semester.
5.) The above allowed me to drop Design in Communication NEXT semester so I can take it THIS summer and only have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. [As opposed to taking Mass Comm Research and Writing this summer and have class Monday-Thursday.]
6.) Work has been excellent for some reason. Plus many hours = better paycheck.
7.) I have an apartment for summer session and currently I literally have multiple places to live. So, yay for not being homeless!!! The last three nights I have slept at three different places. Right now I have things in 1019, most of my things are at Reena's apartment, and I can move to my new places on Monday!
8.) I saw Adam!!!!!! And Amber! It was loooovely.
9.) My sister was home last weekend and she looks fantastic.
10.) The Assistant Manager is good.

The One Tarnishing Factor. Make that two.
1.) I have a flat tire. Which I must go fix. Hence I cannot Ikea it up with Adam, Amber, and Laura. :-(
2.) Rain rain go away.